Yes, I took my meds today

Turning 40 this year was no laughing matter. I can’t tell you the number of skinny bitches that told me ‘it’s just a number’. Really, crack smoker?! No, it’s NOT just a number. It’s mid-life with a big ol FU as the exclamation point! I am an overweight, wife, mother and employee who believes in Christ but still has doubts all the time.

Today I was preparing for work (I’m lucky enough to work in Outside Sales so I can set my own schedule) but had agreed to have a discussion with my Beloved (aka Husband) about the budget. So I woke up and got the kids ready for school, dragged my fat ass to CrossFit (have I mentioned that I’m 40??) and came home to get ready for work.

My Beloved comes home and I broach the subject… ‘As you know, the account is in the negative’… At which point we launch into the ‘budget doesn’t work’, ‘we’ve tried for 15 years’ ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results’ at which point My Beloved says that he thinks we should split our accounts into ‘mine and yours’.

I know lots of ya’ll work this way. But we’ve always had one account. Ours. Together. Because we’re ‘one’. So the prospect of this scares the HELL out of me for reasons that I won’t bore you with.

Let me just say that I dissolved into tears and left the house. And then I thought about how fucking shitty this life is. I know what the bible says – he’ll, I’m the one teaching bible study and telling you the verses to get you through these ‘rough patches’. SCREW THAT. Why can’t I be the one to have a mid-life crisis? Why can’t I be the one to go into debt up to my eyeballs, and then file bankruptcy and never be responsible? Why can’t I be the one who is completely and totally irresponsible and then looks at the rest of the world and expects them to pay for the reconstructive surgery?

Who knows. But I am the one that is in church every Sunday… Who is checking her kid’s homework every night… Who runs away from the guy that is flirting because she’s monogamous… Who does the right things because that’s how she was raised and that’s what the bible says.

Don’t even THINK about starting with me. I know the truth, people. I am saved. I am just venting to you about the realities of my world. And I’m saying the things that the rest of you are THINKING but won’t ever SAY.

And, yes, I took my meds today.