I’ve always been considered a good girl. I was raised in the church and did a fairly good job of obeying the rules. I didn’t start drinking until I was of legal age, have never done drugs and I have only slept with two men… And I married both of them. Most people look at me and my life and consider me a good girl.
But I am far from good.
If you could look inside my head, you would see all of the evil thoughts. The thoughts about running away to be famous. The obsessive thoughts about food. The dreams of riches and cars and material wealth. And the thoughts about other men.
I suffer from a disgusting need for attention – and I am highly susceptible to the flattering words of men who are not my husband. It is a fatal flaw. I was married in college and another man told me I was beautiful and funny and, and, and…. Before I knew it, I was head over heels in love with this other guy and in the middle of an emotional affair. I went to him for all my emotional needs. My heart would race before we were supposed to meet for lunch. I would get dressed in the morning thinking ‘will he like this?’. I flirted endlessly and told him I loved him.
I justified it and said it wasn’t an affair because I never kissed him, never slept with him. But that emotional affair completely destroyed my marriage. We never had a chance after that, even though I broke it off.
And then we moved to a new city and, what do you know, there was another man whispering sweet nothings in my ear. This time, it was the nail in the coffin. I left my first husband for the man I am now married to (and have been for 15 years).
I struggled with the tremendous guilt of my sin, and the ugliness of it – and gave it up to God, asked for forgiveness and repented. And I have managed to do a fairly good job of staying away from THAT sin in the last 15 years. My husband and I have a hilariously fun time together, have two great kids, and many view our life as picture perfect.
But you know better than that, don’t you?? Sure enough, I found myself in a situation a few weeks ago when I let some minor flirtation get the best of me and I didn’t stop him. I engaged in the flirtation – perpetuated it – was flattered that he was chatting with me that way.
And for the last two weeks I’ve ignored God… I haven’t read His word, I haven’t turned to him in prayer, I’ve just been daydreaming about why I am always the good girl and why I can’t be ‘like everyone else’ and have an affair and go on with life.
I was looking down Hurricane Katrina’s wrath and fury and thinking I could avoid the devastation she was getting ready to cause in my life. I was thinking it was no big deal – and ignoring the impending waves and wind. And then the waves began to lap at my feet and I thought ‘I’m a really strong swimmer’. And then the waves began to crash all around me and I was having a hard time breathing. And, finally, just when the storm surge was about to demolish my house, my Savior sent a friend in a life raft to save me.
This friend didn’t let me gloss over it in the conversation. The minute I said ‘stupid flirty text message’ she leaned forward and got inches from my face and said ‘hand me the phone’. I pulled it out and started to try to explain and she said ‘let me see them’. I told her nothing would EVER happen and she said ‘you’re right… Because you’re going to confess it to God, tell the other guy it was inappropriate, and tell your husband’.
WHAT?!?! Shit – aren’t we panicking just a little? I mean, I get that I need to talk to God about it. But why do I need to confront the other guy (my boss)? And why do I need to tell my husband? They were harmless flirtations. No harm, no foul. We don’t have to freak out about this!
Wrong. Incredibly wrong. And she was incredibly right. Yeah, I absolutely need to get down on my knees and confess it to God, confront my boss and tell my husband. This small little pea-sized sin was about to blow into Mt. St. Helens. This is MY TRIGGER. This small little flattery is the thing that my sinful little mind jumps on and turns into an affair. And it needed to be stopped IMMEDIATELY. As my friend said, ‘tear free the plant from the ground where it grows, turn your back on the doubts and give the entire horrific plant, roots and all, to your Heavenly Father’.
So I did. And I told my boss (who is also a Christian) that we crossed a line that I can’t cross and that he can’t either. That, as brother and sister in Christ, we are to run from sin and not engage in it. And I told my Beloved husband. Who kind of shrugged at the insignificance of the text messages and said ‘nothing else happened, right?’ to which I responded ‘no, absolutely nothing’. And he said ‘Ok. I love you!’
I have just been saved from World War III by and angel sent by God. Laugh if you want… Question my seriousness…. Scoff at the insignificance of this event…. But I’m telling you right now that life is WAY better without the horrific consequences of sin. Go pull up that plant – you know that it’s suffocating you. Hand it to the big man and then run like hell. Like a bear is chasing you. Because it is – and if you try to befriend that bear and feed it, he’s going to eat you in two seconds flat.
Unfiltered Crazy Female 